he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
