Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
