I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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