Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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