hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
