my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
