He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i've created a new STD.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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