i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
