You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
