Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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