I smell stomach acid.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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