hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
