I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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