If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
