Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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