I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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