Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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