There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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