I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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