Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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