i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
