My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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