Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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