You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
