Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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