apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
