Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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