I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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