Will you blow on my dice?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
