I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
