I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
