getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need to sanitize my soul.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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