Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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