dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
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It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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