were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
