I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
