Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
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we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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