My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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