yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was born a porn star she said
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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