We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
