you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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