Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
