You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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