where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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