You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
