worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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