I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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