Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
