do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
