the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
