I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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