you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
