lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
