He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
