I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
