I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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